New Blog!

11 Feb

Check out my new endeavor @ Failing Together!

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The Countdown – 10.23.11

23 Oct

I’m ba~ack. Let’s hit this.

1. You know what I’ve always wanted? A Wii that had a game soundtrack in it instead of backwards compatibility and cost the same as the original model. What? Nintendo has done such a thing? Uh…guess they don’t understand sarcasm…

2. VIDEO: Check out Phoenix Wright kick some major ass in the new Marvel vs. Capcom game. No objections to how awesome this looks. …Shut up. I will use all the cheap jokes I want.

3. An Assassin’s Creed movie on the horizon? I’m sure that will be fantastic, because I can’t think of one single video game movie that sucks. Oh wait, I have that backwards. They pretty much all do.

4. Soul Calibur V has a release date, and speaking of Assassin’s Creed, it looks like Ezio will be showing some of the suckier characters how it’s done in this game. In other news, Darth Vader is pissed that he didn’t get a call about being this one, and I would really steer clear of his Star Destroyer for awhile, unless it’s always been your dream to be Force choked to death.

5. Gamestop did something good? Whaaaaaaaat?

6. VIDEO: Should have thought of this a long time ago, Luigi.

7. VIDEO: Indy plays Uncharted! …Except he doesn’t look like he’s actually playing at all. But it doesn’t matter. Harrison Ford can probably control things with his mind.

8. This is just common sense.

9. VIDEO: I always thought Diddy seemed kinda low key

10. VIDEO: I would totally hang out with Bahamut. You could ride him everywhere. Also, he would scare off your enemies like Falcor in The Neverending Story did.

11. VIDEO: If video games were real, I guess Mario and his drug habit would be a problem.

 

Final Fantasy Rewritten (part five)

11 Oct

When we left off, we had just rescued Mustadio’s father! But the Princess was in trouble. Again. Damn those princesses. All they know how to do is get themselves into trouble.

Chapter 2 – The Manipulative and the Subservient (continued)

>>>>The Port City of Warjili<<<<

Ramza shows up and runs into…

Ramza: Delita! What the hell are you doing here?

Delita: I’m doing some shopping. This place is famous for their wicker baskets.

Ramza: Oh really? I’ll have to pick one up then. I do love myself some good wicker.

Delita: No, you idiot. I’m spying.

Ramza: Oh…. That makes a lot more sense. You never appreciated my collection of wicker.

Delita: Listen, Ramza. Listen to me and listen good. You should go home to rich boy land. Don’t bother with the Princess or the stones. Just go home, wrap yourself in your nice cashmere blanket with the gold trim and enjoy some of that tea your servants make.

Ramza: Why?

Delita: Rescuing the Princess is not going to do her any good. You won’t be saving her at all – just screwing her over further. I’m the only one who can save her.

Ramza: Who died and made you the only Princess saver in town?

Delita: It’s just the way things are, buddy. …And clearly I’m a borderline super hero.

Ramza: Exactly what are you trying to do here, Delita? I don’t get it.

Delita: I’m just going against everybody else. Somebody has to. That’s all you need to know. Now I’ve gotta go. A borderline super hero’s work is never done.

Ramza: Delita, wait!

Delita: Yes?

Ramza: …So…should I buy one of those baskets or what?

Delita: …You seriously should think about going home. Really. I’m not fucking around.

>>>>Lionel Castle<<<<

Lud, the guy working for the evil trading company, as well as our old friend Gaffy the mercenary, are standing in front of Cardy the religious guy.

Gaffy: So you’re gonna use the Princess as bait to get the stone back? Nice.

Lud: Shut up, dumb ass! You let them get away!

Gaffy: Well the job of taking them down was kind of thrown on me last minute. And I don’t see you doing any better, fat ass!

Cardy: Everybody shut up. We’re handing over her highness to Dycey. I just want to lure those idiots with the stone back over here so I can get my freshly manicured hands on it. I don’t care what happens to them as long as I get that stone.

Gaffy: It won’t be as easy as you think. You have to be careful about your next move. These people can be tricky. Remember, the deadliest game of all…is man.

Cardy: You’re a freaking mercenary. You’re going to lecture me about being cautious? You’d stab Lud over here right now if I gave you a dollar.

Gaffy: I’d do it for less. But I didn’t get to where I am now by running into battle without thinking. Successful battles are carefully planned. Or you just teleport out if things get too dangerous. That’s always a handy loop hole.

Cardy: Fine. We’ll do it your way.

Gaffy: You can count on me. Fat ass here would probably be too busying raiding your refrigerator to do anything right.

Lud: Hey!

Cardy: Just get me that stone, Gaffy.

Gaffy: One stone coming right up!

He leaves. Lud turns to Cardy angrily.

Lud: You’re putting that piece of shit in charge? He has a pornstache!

Cardy: Well…he’s not a big fat failure like somebody else I know.

Lud: …You mean…somebody else not in this room, right? …Right…?

The camera pans up as we hear a scream. Assume the pinnacle of religion there stabbed Lud to death.

>>>>Balias Swal<<<<

Looks like an escaped Agrias is in trouble. A bunch of knights have her surrounded.

Knight: Ha ha! We’ve got you now!

Knight 2: Wow…a girl…

Knight 3: She has boobs…

Knight: Stop it! Focus! Don’t screw up now!

But in the nick of time Ramza and his loyal followers join the fray.

Ramza: Hell to the no! Protect Agrias!

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd fight!

Agrias: Ramza! Where’d you come from? I thought you, Mustadio and our steadily increasing number of chocobos were out doing your own thing.

Ramza: We finished that up and came to rescue you and the Princess!

Agrias: That stupid Cardinal totally betrayed us – he’s working with Duke Larg! I got out, but they have the Princess, and they’re gonna kill her, French Revolution style!

Ramza: Not on my watch! Let’s hurry up and finish these guys off so we can save her!

Agrias: Yeah, totally! I’m going as fast as I can!

Ramza: …Uh…you actually going to attack anyone?

Agrias: Huh?

Ramza: You’re standing there right next to an enemy knight and you’re not attacking him. You’re strolling through this battlefield like you’re on a hike.

Agrias: Sorry. But us computer controlled characters tend to do insane things that make no sense. At least I don’t die immediately like Delita always did. Hey, enemy knight I’m standing right next to like we’re BFF’s. What’s up?

Knight 3: Boobs….

Ramza: Fine, I’ll just kill everybody. Again. Like I always do.

Other party members: What about us?

Ramza: Shut up, nobodies! Your horrible names were randomly generated! Nobody cares about you!

They easily finish off the no name guys.

Knight 3: I’ll never…see boobs…again. *dies*

Agrias: We’ve gotta hurry!

Ramza: Good thing we have 20 chocobos now! Everybody grab one and ride like the wind!

Mustadio: See! My perversion comes in handy!

Ramza: What?

Mustadio: Nothing. Giddiup!

>>>>Golgollada Gallows<<<<

There are a few guards standing around the Princess and a hooded executioner. Things don’t look good.

Executioner: Any last words?

Knight: Uh, FYI, the enemy is here.

Yes, it’s Ramza, Agrias and the rest of the fab 5.

Ramza: We’ve come for the Princess! And we’re not backing down until she’s good and rescued!

Mustadio: We have many chocobos that I have trained to bite! …Among other talents not applicable in this situation!

Executioner: Is that so? Well it just so happens that you’re the guest on the first ever episode of….IT’S A TRAP! *pulls off hood to reveal it’s gaffy* Starring me! Mwha haa haa! Mwa haa haa! MWA HAA HAA!

Princess: *is actually a monk*

Ramza: Where’s the Princess?

Gaffy: She’s fine, I guess. Still at Lionel Castle. Now give me the auracite.

Ramza: Come and get it, bitch.

Gaffy: So you think you’re a big man now, do you? We’ll see who’s riding who when I’m spanking your ass all over the field!

Ramza: Phrasing.

Gaffy: Just go back home and your brother will forgive you! He said so himself right before he added more peasant blood to his tea.

Ramza: I’m done helping him. Wait – what?! Did you say peasant blood?! In his tea? Not the raspberry surprise! Oh god, not the raspberry surprise!!!!!!

Gaffy: Hey, you’re supposed to be supporting your family no matter what! That’s your job as a noble!

Ramza: Uh, he’s encouraging a war for his own selfish needs and apparently putting blood in his tea. That’s pretty awful. I can’t be expected to support bad stuff. That’s not my job as a freaking human being!

Gaffy: No progress is made without a bunch of people being killed! This country is a mess! Your brother is just trying to fix it! And if he has to kill a whole huge bunch of people to do that, than that’s just the way it has to be. The end justifies the means!

Ramza: No! I don’t like it! I won’t let the Princess turn into Tietra 2: the sequel! Tietra died because I didn’t know what was going on and I didn’t bother to save her! Now that I don’t have people telling me how pretty my hair is anymore I’m more focused. I know what my brother’s doing is wrong and I won’t support him no matter what my last name is!

Gaffy: You’re a moron! You would let one person live rather than stand for the greater good?

Ramza: I’m not going to let innocent people be used because rich people are greedy and bored! Nobody’s gonna touch a hair on that Princess’ no doubt carefully maintained and well moisturized head as long as I’m around!

Gaffy: Fine. Be a dumb ass.

Ramza: Get out of my way! *stabs him*

Gaffy: Ow, my spleen! Time for some well timed teleporting! *teleports the hell out of there because he’s a wizard*

Ramza: Dammit! Back to the castle, everybody!

Mustadio: Beautiful chocobos for all!

Agrias: Uh…mine just laid an egg.

Mustadio: Dammit, Penelope! Now is not the time!

Agrias: You named the birds?

Mustadio: You wanna rescue the Princess or focus on my weird sex life?

Agrias: Princess. Definitely Princess.

>>>>Lionel Castle<<<<

Princess Ovelia is being kept in some dungeon, which isn’t really a proper way to treat a Princess, but whatever. She has a plate of food next to her when Delita enters.

Delita: You gonna eat your dinner? You can’t starve yourself. If you die, nobody’s really gonna care anyway, so you might as well not be anorexic.

Ovelia: …What is your deal? Were you working with the Cardinal? You don’t seem to want to hand me over to Duke Larg – I don’t get you.

Delita: I only wanna see you where you belong, baby.

Ovelia: So you’re using me too. I won’t let you.

Delita: If you want to survive…you really don’t have a choice.

Before he can elaborate, Cardy and some dude in a flamboyant purple robe come in. This is Folmarv. I’m not typing that repeatedly, so we’ll call him F Bomb.

Cardy: How are you doing, your highness? If you hadn’t thrown such a bitch fit, I wouldn’t have to keep you in this damp and rat infested basement. We have plenty of rooms upstairs that don’t smell like piss and rotting rat flesh.

F Bomb: It’s good enough for a fake Princess.

Ovelia: …What?

Cardy: Uh…she kind of didn’t know.

F Bomb: Whoops. My bad.

Ovelia: What are you talking about?

Cardy: How can I put it nicely…? You’re not the real Princess, you fucking bitch.

Ovelia: That’s not putting it nicely at all!

F Bomb: The real Princess croaked, so they put you in her place.

Ovelia: That’s not true!

Cardy: Nope, it’s true. They wanted to get rid of the Queen and her other kids, so after the real Princess died, they put you in her place. Then the Queen’s older sons were quietly poisoned to death. Nobody expected that old, ugly, diseased, fat ass king to make any more babies, but for some reason somebody was willing to bang him, and along came the Prince. Who knows if the King is really his father, but unfortunately we don’t have Maury to settle the score yet. Long story short, Duke Larg found somebody to knock up his sister, the Queen, and we now have a prince, and a problem. And he is in the way of you taking over the throne.

Ovelia: What is this, a soap opera? I don’t believe it!

F Bomb: We don’t care if you don’t believe it. We know it’s true.

Ovelia: What do you want with me then?

F Bomb: We just want you to be the pretty, pretty Princess you’re in line to be. We just want you to take the crown.

Ovelia: Why?!

F Bomb: Look, we’re trying to keep you alive here. We’re your friends.

Ovelia: Then why are you pushing me around and keeping me in dungeons and feeding me dog food? That’s not what friends do! Friends exchange handmade friendship bracelets! And tell one another they don’t look fat!

Delita: That’s dog food you’ve been eating? Shit… That’s what I’ve been eating…

Cardy: Let’s leave her alone for now and go admire my tiny spoon collection. I’m sure once she thinks about it, the Princess will be willing to work with us.

F Bomb: Ooh, I love tiny spoons.

Cardy: Delita! Come, boy! Come! Here, boy! Come get a treat.

Delita: A treat?! Oh boy!

They all leave.

Ovelia: …My life sucks.

>>>>Lenalian Plateau<<<<

Remember good old Wiegraf? He likes capes and dislikes meeting in mills. Anyway, there he is taking his sword and just stabbing it into the ground. A thousand ants cry out in pain, but are suddenly silenced.

Wiegraf: I’m so sorry, Milly. I tried to fix things. I tried to improve the world in your memory, but I haven’t done anything! I’m a failure! I big fat failure! Also I’ve fathered two more children with prostitutes that I just can’t afford. I have a problem! A very serious problem! *hysterical sobbing*

????: It’s not your fault.

Wiegraf quickly turns around to see who is standing there creepily watching him cry.

Wiegraf: I wasn’t crying! I got dirt in my eye!

Sure he did.

Knight: I’m sorry all your men were killed. Also about the hooker thing. That really sucks. They are hard to resist.

Wiegraf: What the hell do you want?

Knight: My name is Loffrey, but feel free to call me Loffy. I’ve been looking for you. We’re wondering if you’d maybe wanna give us a hand with our cause.

Wiegraf: Yeah, right. You’re just after the bounty on my head!

Loffy: If that’s all I wanted I’d have stabbed you to death while you were standing there with your back turned sobbing your eyes out.

Wiegraf: …I had dirt in my eye.

Loffy: Sure you did. Look, we’re looking to rebuild Ivalice. We’re also trying to sell tupperware door to door, but that’s more of a side project. We want your help.

Wiegraf: I’m listening…do you sell those tiny containers that you can store sauce and stuff in?

Loffy: Yes, but we were more interested in you helping with the rebuilding Ivalice stuff.

Wiegraf: Fine. I’m still listening. …I guess.

Loffy: Look, we don’t want to be slaves to the nobles again, and you’re not much good on your own. Join up with us and we’ll build a better country for you, me and all those illegitimate children you keep having. Seriously, dude – ever hear of a condom?

Wiegraf: *stares at his sister’s grave with a determined look* …Let’s do this shit.

>>>>Lionel Castle…again.<<<

Ramza and his cheerleading squad come to the gate of the castle.

Ramza: Stand back, everyone! I will open the gate!

Gaffy: *shows up with a posse* I don’t think so. Did you really thing you were going to waltz into the castle without a fight?

Ramza: …The chocobos seemed to think it was a possibility.

Gaffy: This is where your journey ends, Ramza! After I kill you I’m gonna cut off your hair and make myself the most handsome toupee in all of Ivalice! …I’m totally bald under this helmet.

Ramza: YOU TOUCH MY HAIR UNDER MY DEAD BODY!

They fight. Ramza strikes down Gaffy.

Gaffy: ….No…! My teleporting powers…! They’re not working!!!

Ramza: Who’s a wizard now, bitch?

Gaffy: *dead*

Ramza: Answer me!

Gaffy: *totally dead*

Ramza: *frowns* Oh. Crap. You’re really dead. …Now I feel like a dick.

>>>>Zeirchele Falls<<<

Meanwhile, Delita and Ovelia are enroute to Zeltennia…

Ovelia: I don’t want to do this. Maybe I’ll just run away.

Delita: Can’t do that. You’re already screwed. Everybody’s already after you. The only thing you can do is come with me.

Ovelia: You told me you were going to set me free. You lied to me.

Delita: What I said was true…from a certain point of view.

Ovelia: What?!

Delita: Nah, I’m still lying.

Then of course enemy knights show up. Because this game is all about the battles.

Enemy Knight: Kill the bitch, she’s got fangs, razor sharp ones!

Ovelia: No I don’t!

Delita: I’ll protect you!

And the lone Delita takes down like three guys. Because they were the worst knights in the world apparently.

Delita: See what your life is like now? So you can either stay here and see who comes to murder you first, or you can come with me.

Ovelia: …Fine. Let’s go.

Lionel Castle…one more time<<<<

Ramza runs into Cardy’s chambers.

Ramza: Where is the Princess?!

Cardy: *turns around slowly in his chair* So. We meet again. I should have known you’d take that idiot Gaffy down. You Boogaloo’s don’t die easy.

Ramza: That’s not how you pronounce it. Come on. Now where’s the damn Princess?

Cardy: On her way to Zeltennia. She’s decided to accept our house. She even let me braid her hair.

Ramza: LIAR!

Cardy: Look, just leave the auracite and I won’t murder you, all your friends and your disturbing number of chocobos.

Ramza: Not gonna happen.

Cardy: We’re trying to change the world for the better! You should join us! The Princess already has. She’s one step closer to being Queen, and we’ll be there to support her. Come to our side, Ramza. We have pie. And tiny spoons.

Ramza: I’m not looking to change the world. I’m just sick of people dying for no reason. Which I don’t think is a crazy thing to want to prevent. You can’t change the world, and you’re crazy for even thinking you can.

Cardy: How can you say that when you have one of the Zodiac stones? You have no idea of the power we possess. Watch and be amazed at the power that will save the world!

He laughs evilly, there’s a bright light, and suddenly there’s a hideous creature sitting there that would make the Oogey Boogey man throw up.

Monster Cardy: NOW I KILL YOU!

Ramza: *is throwing up*

But Ramza is so awesomely powerful than even this terribly power demon spawn can’t take him down.

Ramza: STAB YOU IN THE FACE!

Monster Cardy: This can’t be happening!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

More red light. The monster explodes into nothingness, leaving the stone behind.

Ramza: …What the hell have I gotten myself into?

COMING UP!

Chapter three! We meet characters that are even more useless than Agrias and Mustadio. More chocobos inexplicably join the party! And there’s even more Wiegraf!

Final Fantasy Primer! (part two)

5 Oct

 

You’ve seen part one, now check out the sequel! @ The Modern Day Pirates!

Final Fantasy Tactics Rewritten (part four)

3 Oct

When We Left Off…

Delita’s sister got shot in the chest by Argath, who then got his just desserts. And I don’t mean Hostess cupcakes. Then Delita appeared to have maybe exploded in a fire, but we’ve already seen the future and we know he’s fine enough to be capturing Princesses.

End flashbacks. We’re back in the present. And there’s that whole problem of the captured Princess. I’m pretty sure she’s in another castle.

Chapter 2 – The Manipulative and the Subservient

>>>>Orbonne Monastery<<<<

Gaffy: You know that dude that stole the Princess, Ramza?

Ramza: Huh? I was just having the longest flashback of my life.

Agrias: We’ve gotta go after him!

Gaffy: You’re on your own, honey! Nobody’s paying me to go after no Princess.

Agrias: No surprise there. A real knight would want to fix what he’s screwed up.

Ramza: I’ll come! I wanna help!

Gaffy: What!? You can’t go with them! You’re a mercenary now! We don’t help others unless there’s cash involved! Or at least sexual favors!

Ramza: I’ve gotta know if that’s really Delita! I can’t believe he could be alive… I hope he still has my Stone Temple Pilots CD, because I really want it back.

Gaffy: You’re really going after that pretty boy, huh? Okay, I’m in too, I guess. I could do worse than chasing a handsome man across the plains.

Agrias: What?

Gaffy: Nothing. Let’s go.

Continue reading

Final Fantasy Tactics Rewritten (part three)

1 Oct

I renamed this series because frankly the other title made it sound like I was trying to teach you how to learn Move +3 in the fewest steps possible. This title sounds like I’m actually making fun of something. Of course, I was too lazy to spend two seconds making a new graphic, so just accept that and move on. Also, I apologize if the graphics aren’t lining up right. No matter what I try, WordPress is determined to make me look bad.

WHEN WE LAST LEFT OFF…

Delita’s sister had been kidnapped while Ramza’s brothers kind of shrugged and wondered why they had no servants. Also Ramza kicked Argath out of the club and made him return his special sparkly jacket.

Chapter 1 – The Meager (continued…)

~~~~~~STILL IN FLASHBACK~~~~~~~~~~

>>>>Mandalia Plain<<<<

Ramza and Delita are relaxing alone in a meadow. I swear there’s no sex in this game.

Delita: Do you think Tietra is watching this same sunset?

Ramza: Probably not. They’ve probably got her bound and gagged in some dark horrible place. She’s probably got spiders crawling on her, maybe rats. I heard they carry horrible diseases.

Delita: *looks at him horrified*

Ramza: Uh, I mean, sure! I bet she is! *sings* Somewhere out there…beneath the pale moon light…

Delita: Something’s been bothering me, dude.

Ramza: Is it my singing? I’ve been known to make ears bleed, but my handsomely paid singing teacher told me that doesn’t cause any permanent damage.

Delita: No. It’s all that shit Argath said.

Ramza: Oh, right. He’s a jerk. And he better send me back that jacket. I’m gonna give it to a peasant and shove it right in his pompous face!

Delita: The sad thing is he had a point. I’m nobody. I can’t build an army to save my sister. *grabs a blade of grass* Hey, remember when your father showed us how to smoke this?

Ramza: Uh, I think you mean he showed us how to make whistles.

Delita: Oh. Right.

They both make the most annoying whistles in the universe. And nobody gets kissed.

Continue reading

Final Fantasy Tactics Rewritten (part two)

28 Sep

Where we left off:

Delita kidnapped the Princess, Agrias cried, Gaffy didn’t get a chance to tea bag a single corpse, and Ramza thought about purchasing some hair mousse.

Chapter 1 – The Meager

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ramza and Delita are at Gariland Akademy, which is probably kind of like Hogwarts, only with more killing people. They’re training to be Knights, which is very distinguished and important profession in this universe. Like being a plastic surgeon these days.

Ramza: That Corpse Brigade is still out there fucking shit up. I can’t figure stuff out too good, so what do you think, Delita?

Delita: The rich people are coming! The rich people are coming!

Ramza: What?

Delita: I don’t know.

Knight: Listen up, dweebs! We need to go fight the Corpse Brigade! Proceed to the castle and support us from the rear!

Ramza: Ha. Rear.

Knight: Never mind! Breaking news! Go kill those thieves outside instead! They’re probably after my prized piñata!

They go outside, get called moppets more times than anybody ever should, and then kick some thieve ass.

Ramza: (actual game line) Honest work would see them die old in bed, yet they choose instead this early grave. Why persist in such folly?

Delita: Because they’re poor. And stolen stuff is free. Or they just like to steal. Or they’re just jerks. Or crazy. I don’t know. it could be a lot things. Shut up.

Continue reading

Final Fantasy Tactics Rewritten (part one)

26 Sep

Background:

Final Fantasy Tactics is an amazing game. I know, I know, coming from me, the Final Fantasy devotee, this isn’t surprising. But Final Fantasy Tactics isn’t like the other games. This is a tactical RPG (might have guessed that from the title…) where you actually move around the board and don’t just stand there and take enemy attacks. Yeah, that’s right. You can actually run away.

If you haven’t played this game, you’re doing yourself a total disservice, but I can’t say I blame you. The job based battle system, while as addictive as crack (to me, at least), takes a fair amount of work to master. And while the story is a complicated tale of war, betrayal and family drama that would rival any soap opera, it reads like it was written by some hipster in a fedora who’s read a lot of Shakespeare and claims to be a student of life. I guess they were going for a Medieval feel with the language, but to be honest, I question if some of those words actually ever existed at all.

Which brings us here, my friends. I am replaying the game, and, in an attempt to actually do something constructive with it, am going to translate the entire story for you in words that don’t sound like they belong in their own college course you don’t wanna take but everything else is full. I promise to be true to the story, but I can’t promise I won’t throw my own sarcastic spin in there. Because, let’s face it, it’s me.

Oh, and one quick disclaimer – there are several different versions of this game, and I’m using the PSP version, War of the Lions. You can buy this game for iPhone and iPad, but DO NOT DO THIS EVER. The reviews are horrible, as it’s apparently slow down city. Yes, Square Enix wants you to buy a craptastic version of the game for $15. Shocker. But I digress. Let’s get on with this.

Continue reading

The Countdown – 9.16.11

16 Sep

Okay, before we get started this week I have to announce that I’m done doing  weekly countdown. It’s just getting kind of tedious, as I’m usually stretching every week for news and articles I find interesting or worthwhile. I’m still going to be doing it, just left often. Like when I actually have a decent amount of articles to link to. It’s not like anybody’s getting their video game news from this site anyway, and if you are, you possibly can’t care about it enough.

1. Who is buying a golf game for PC anyway? Just refund the 4 people that bought it and be done with it.

2. Release dates for awesome Nintendo games announced. We actually get Mario Kart BEFORE Japan! So now it’s America: 1, Japan: 2 gazillion or something in that vicinity. And I’m not excited about taking 3D video. I’m not James Cameron.

3. Trailer for that weird Final Fantasy rhythm game released. Still no date, any word if it’s actually coming out here, or if I’ll be suckered into buying it. The character design still creeps me out. They look like Voodoo dolls. Also, the trailer kind of made me want to have a seizure.

4. Guy behind Heavy Rain developer not a big fan of used gamesestimates they lost millions in royalties. We could debate this topic both ways. I see it both ways – these developers spend years and millions creating these games, they need to make that cash back. On the other hand, games aren’t cheap and I can’t afford to buy new games at full price all the time. How can we make everyone happy?

5. Have a 360? You can game online and do a little good for once instead of yelling obscenities about some 12-year old’s mom. Sony and Nintendo should do something like this. Might be the one weekend I don’t mind Call of Duty. Might be.

6. So, Square Enix is putting out a remake of Final Fantasy X. It’s not the game everybody wanted, but okay.

7. Yeah, sure that was an autocorrect, buddy.

8. Hey, you can trade your old iPod in at Gamestop. They’ll give you 4 cents, and charge $40 bucks for it.

9. And on a depressing ending note, your childhood is dead.

I Got 999 Problems and This Game Is One (part two)

13 Sep

So, it’s over. It’s done. The true ending is mine. It took 3 1/2 hours to complete, but it’s fucking done. I have properly beaten this game, and I can trade it in and get it out of my house.

Granted, the ending did include additional puzzles that took up a chunk of that time, but these morons were still chatting away pointlessly to the bitter end. The timeline of this game makes absolutely no sense. You’re expected to believe that some of the characters run through the door and just hang out on the other side waiting for Jumpy and Co. to not only navigate a way around, but also solve several time consuming puzzles and talk about their feelings for a good hour. They should have been long the fuck gone. But that is the least of the head hurting drama that results from this game.

Hit me on the head. My brain is already dead.

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